"And now for something completely different..."
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Hi, my Name is Beth. And Gavin Newsom Rubbed my Back...
The Mayor is not the only one heading to group sessions these days. I was recently invited to attend the most recent monthly meeting of the Gavin Newsom Support Group: A Safe Place For Women. Consisting mostly of Gavin's former girlfriends, we met in a small conference room at the Marriott Fisherman's Wharf.
The meeting was called to order by President Kimberly Guilfoyle Ville-whatever as the rest of us grabbed the gratis Luna bars and cans of Tab. We sat around a conference table, where I was horrified to discover that I was wedged between Sofia Milos and Brittanie Mountz. Sofia smelled strongly of cheap perfume and jabbed me with her pointy-ass elbows as she leapt across the table and grabbed the blue necktie placed in the center.
Much like the conch, one needs to be in possession of this tie (purloined from Gavin's closet by one night stand Kiki Ramirez) to speak at a GNSG meeting.
Clearly desperate to begin, Sofia waved that tie up in the air shouting, "We begin, yes? I have to speak my heart!"
A dozen eyes sympathetically turned to Sofia and she droned on and on about Gavin (whom she referred to as Gareth) never taking her seriously or something. I could only understand about half of her rant, and was distracted by my struggle to breathe through her fragrance and billowing chiffon sleeves.
Finally, Kimberly dove in and proposed that Sofia give someone else a chance to speak, suggesting that Brittanie might have something to say on the subject. Brit grabbed the tie, took a swig of Tab and teared up.
"Not taken seriously? Please. Don't even talk to me about that. Gavin never once had a complete conversation with me. I still don't even know what he does for a living!"
The kid had a point.
She, too, had loads to vent about, complaining that Gavin's driver never let her take the Town Car out for a spin and that while he had initially confessed to loving pillow fights, Gavin "wasn't really into it."
Every single woman in that conference room looked at Brittanie like they knew exactly what she was talking about. Several dabbed their eyes with Kleenex as ho after ho took turns with that tie, lamenting Gavin's current situation and complaining about his inability to commit.
"I just don't see why Swiss Miss is such a big deal," whined Erin Brodie. "I mean, she doesn't even have a calendar."
In observing the participants of the GNSG, it became clear to me that Gavin clearly has a type. While boringly beautiful women, up close they're all kind of scary and desperate, paranoid eyes darting around the room and last year's Manolos nervously tapping the floor. Each of them had some long sob story, about how they were never accepted by Gavin's snobby friends or how Peter Ragone obviously never gives Gavin his messages. They even had an extra chair, just in case Swiss Miss showed up, which according to Kimberly, would be "any day now."
Towards the end of the meeting, I saw Ruby Rippey-Tourk try to sneak in through the back door. Kimberly, who hails from Jupiter and has eyes in the back of her head stopped her dead in her tracks. "Oh, look who's decided to join us. Thanks for showing, RUDE-Y. I hope you brought your dues check."
Ruby sheepishly shrugged, dropped her hobo bag next to Sofia and grabbed the tie.
"Sorry I've been missing meetings lately, it's been kinda crazy." Sofia leaned over to me and whispered, "Understatement of century, no?"
Ruby continued, "I'd like to thank you all for your well-wishes and prayers during this difficult time. Brittanie, your sweet card made from construction paper and dried macaroni totally brightened my day."
Brittanie looked up from her doodles (she was writing 'Brittanie Mountz-Timberlake' over and over) and smiled, having no clue what Ruby was talking about.
Kimberly suddenly stood up, marched over to Ruby and grabbed the tie back.
"This isn't about you, Ruby. This is about Gavin. Either talk about Gavin or shut up."
Ruby looked like she was about to cry. "I, er, uh, just wanted..." "Shut up, it is." Kimberly snapped, as she took the tie back to her place at the head of the table.
"Alright, ladies. As the only one here who managed to get an actual rock out of Gavin, I am adjourning this month's meeting. I'm already late. I was supposed to pick Eric up at Badlands 15 minutes ago. So unless anyone has anything else..."
"Wait!" Sofia crawled across the conference table and grabbed the tie. "I need someone explain to me why Gareth work at Christmas tree farm for drunks."
Kimberly rolled her (front) eyes. "What did I tell you, Mama Celeste?"
Sofia looked down. "I not to ask the stupid questions."
"Exactly. Does anyone have any intelligent questions?"
Needless to say, the room remained silent.
"Great. Then we're done.
Dozens of manicured hands grabbed their 90s-era Kate Spades and headed out of the Marriott, Dior sunglasses on before they stepped into the hallway. As we left the building, Brittanie clung to my arm and whispered, "Great meeting, huh? At least now I know what Gavin's job is. Christmas trees. Go figure."
Beth Spotswood describes herself as "The 29-year-old equivalent of Dorothy from The Golden Girls." She spends her free time pretending not to stare at crazy people screaming on San Francisco's sidewalks. Originally from Marin, Beth now lives in the Mission and doesn't get why people are so into burritos. Find Beth here every Wednesday at noon, and at I'll Flip You. Flip You For Real, where "The opinions expressed are ridiculous and in no way reflect anything of value. Do not take them seriously..."
Hi, my Name is Beth. And Gavin Newsom Rubbed my Back...
The Mayor is not the only one heading to group sessions these days. I was recently invited to attend the most recent monthly meeting of the Gavin Newsom Support Group: A Safe Place For Women. Consisting mostly of Gavin's former girlfriends, we met in a small conference room at the Marriott Fisherman's Wharf.
The meeting was called to order by President Kimberly Guilfoyle Ville-whatever as the rest of us grabbed the gratis Luna bars and cans of Tab. We sat around a conference table, where I was horrified to discover that I was wedged between Sofia Milos and Brittanie Mountz. Sofia smelled strongly of cheap perfume and jabbed me with her pointy-ass elbows as she leapt across the table and grabbed the blue necktie placed in the center.
Much like the conch, one needs to be in possession of this tie (purloined from Gavin's closet by one night stand Kiki Ramirez) to speak at a GNSG meeting.
Clearly desperate to begin, Sofia waved that tie up in the air shouting, "We begin, yes? I have to speak my heart!"
A dozen eyes sympathetically turned to Sofia and she droned on and on about Gavin (whom she referred to as Gareth) never taking her seriously or something. I could only understand about half of her rant, and was distracted by my struggle to breathe through her fragrance and billowing chiffon sleeves.
Finally, Kimberly dove in and proposed that Sofia give someone else a chance to speak, suggesting that Brittanie might have something to say on the subject. Brit grabbed the tie, took a swig of Tab and teared up.
"Not taken seriously? Please. Don't even talk to me about that. Gavin never once had a complete conversation with me. I still don't even know what he does for a living!"
The kid had a point.
She, too, had loads to vent about, complaining that Gavin's driver never let her take the Town Car out for a spin and that while he had initially confessed to loving pillow fights, Gavin "wasn't really into it."
Every single woman in that conference room looked at Brittanie like they knew exactly what she was talking about. Several dabbed their eyes with Kleenex as ho after ho took turns with that tie, lamenting Gavin's current situation and complaining about his inability to commit.
"I just don't see why Swiss Miss is such a big deal," whined Erin Brodie. "I mean, she doesn't even have a calendar."
In observing the participants of the GNSG, it became clear to me that Gavin clearly has a type. While boringly beautiful women, up close they're all kind of scary and desperate, paranoid eyes darting around the room and last year's Manolos nervously tapping the floor. Each of them had some long sob story, about how they were never accepted by Gavin's snobby friends or how Peter Ragone obviously never gives Gavin his messages. They even had an extra chair, just in case Swiss Miss showed up, which according to Kimberly, would be "any day now."
Towards the end of the meeting, I saw Ruby Rippey-Tourk try to sneak in through the back door. Kimberly, who hails from Jupiter and has eyes in the back of her head stopped her dead in her tracks. "Oh, look who's decided to join us. Thanks for showing, RUDE-Y. I hope you brought your dues check."
Ruby sheepishly shrugged, dropped her hobo bag next to Sofia and grabbed the tie.
"Sorry I've been missing meetings lately, it's been kinda crazy." Sofia leaned over to me and whispered, "Understatement of century, no?"
Ruby continued, "I'd like to thank you all for your well-wishes and prayers during this difficult time. Brittanie, your sweet card made from construction paper and dried macaroni totally brightened my day."
Brittanie looked up from her doodles (she was writing 'Brittanie Mountz-Timberlake' over and over) and smiled, having no clue what Ruby was talking about.
Kimberly suddenly stood up, marched over to Ruby and grabbed the tie back.
"This isn't about you, Ruby. This is about Gavin. Either talk about Gavin or shut up."
Ruby looked like she was about to cry. "I, er, uh, just wanted..." "Shut up, it is." Kimberly snapped, as she took the tie back to her place at the head of the table.
"Alright, ladies. As the only one here who managed to get an actual rock out of Gavin, I am adjourning this month's meeting. I'm already late. I was supposed to pick Eric up at Badlands 15 minutes ago. So unless anyone has anything else..."
"Wait!" Sofia crawled across the conference table and grabbed the tie. "I need someone explain to me why Gareth work at Christmas tree farm for drunks."
Kimberly rolled her (front) eyes. "What did I tell you, Mama Celeste?"
Sofia looked down. "I not to ask the stupid questions."
"Exactly. Does anyone have any intelligent questions?"
Needless to say, the room remained silent.
"Great. Then we're done.
Dozens of manicured hands grabbed their 90s-era Kate Spades and headed out of the Marriott, Dior sunglasses on before they stepped into the hallway. As we left the building, Brittanie clung to my arm and whispered, "Great meeting, huh? At least now I know what Gavin's job is. Christmas trees. Go figure."
Beth Spotswood describes herself as "The 29-year-old equivalent of Dorothy from The Golden Girls." She spends her free time pretending not to stare at crazy people screaming on San Francisco's sidewalks. Originally from Marin, Beth now lives in the Mission and doesn't get why people are so into burritos. Find Beth here every Wednesday at noon, and at I'll Flip You. Flip You For Real, where "The opinions expressed are ridiculous and in no way reflect anything of value. Do not take them seriously..."
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