it's not so much what i want, but where i want to be
i think i'll go over to check out the bands playing tonight at the make-out room, few blocks from my house. even elroy, joel streeter, and the bittersweets will be on stage. i've never heard of these bands, but i like the sampler on their sites. nothing like music to soothe the weary soul, specially on a rather maudlin 37th birthday.
it's not that i'm "getting old". i rather like the idea of getting older, wiser, being 40 something. 30 something has been rough. not that i'm complaining. 30's is a lot about upheavals and evolving and re-examining and discovering. it's been quite difficult, but very enlightening nonetheless. i get the sense 40's will be about finding my comfort zone after this journey... until the next wave of change again. i'm learning to roll with it. but i'm also a little, weary. specially the last week. it's been challenging again. my inner dialogue as i face my demons and get to know myself more has left me rather dumbfounded as it is compounded with the vulnerability of allowing another to get close. this inevitably forces me to confront the whole intimacy and trust issue, not to mention his inner demons, and has, well, tired me out. what do you do when you're both right? it's easy to say give and take. but it's another thing to actually relate without compromising one's boundaries and sense of self worth. then there's the years and years of learned behavior i'm still only beginning to understand. whatever it is, i'm exhausted today.
i find i am in a very similar place as last year... looking in, looking out, wondering about the path not taken, pondering the path i'm sharing, trying to understand, trying to figure out how the whole marriage thing will work since the exit's been taken out, and trying to figure out how i feel about it. once in a while there is panic, let me out of here now!! sometimes there's mind numbing lower than dirt humble acceptance, this is my lot in life. sometimes there's rebellion, no this is not acceptable and i refuse to live this way, you will have to change and don't tell me i'm not allowing myself to open up, i'm doing the best i can. sometimes there's hope... it will work out, we'll find a way. sometimes, there's nothing. at the heart of it is this, i've come to a crossroads of sorts. what do i do? do i accept unconditionally? i want to be the supportive partner, but how do i keep myself from drowning?
whatever the answer is i won't find it today. but i am tired and i need to rest. i'll head on over to the makeout room after dinner (we'll have a nice family candlelit dinner tonight at home) and once the kids are in bed (or snuggly watching the 10pm simpsons and will & grace reruns). i'll just saddle up to the bar for my celebratory guinness and let the music take me wherever it will.
it's not that i'm "getting old". i rather like the idea of getting older, wiser, being 40 something. 30 something has been rough. not that i'm complaining. 30's is a lot about upheavals and evolving and re-examining and discovering. it's been quite difficult, but very enlightening nonetheless. i get the sense 40's will be about finding my comfort zone after this journey... until the next wave of change again. i'm learning to roll with it. but i'm also a little, weary. specially the last week. it's been challenging again. my inner dialogue as i face my demons and get to know myself more has left me rather dumbfounded as it is compounded with the vulnerability of allowing another to get close. this inevitably forces me to confront the whole intimacy and trust issue, not to mention his inner demons, and has, well, tired me out. what do you do when you're both right? it's easy to say give and take. but it's another thing to actually relate without compromising one's boundaries and sense of self worth. then there's the years and years of learned behavior i'm still only beginning to understand. whatever it is, i'm exhausted today.
i find i am in a very similar place as last year... looking in, looking out, wondering about the path not taken, pondering the path i'm sharing, trying to understand, trying to figure out how the whole marriage thing will work since the exit's been taken out, and trying to figure out how i feel about it. once in a while there is panic, let me out of here now!! sometimes there's mind numbing lower than dirt humble acceptance, this is my lot in life. sometimes there's rebellion, no this is not acceptable and i refuse to live this way, you will have to change and don't tell me i'm not allowing myself to open up, i'm doing the best i can. sometimes there's hope... it will work out, we'll find a way. sometimes, there's nothing. at the heart of it is this, i've come to a crossroads of sorts. what do i do? do i accept unconditionally? i want to be the supportive partner, but how do i keep myself from drowning?
whatever the answer is i won't find it today. but i am tired and i need to rest. i'll head on over to the makeout room after dinner (we'll have a nice family candlelit dinner tonight at home) and once the kids are in bed (or snuggly watching the 10pm simpsons and will & grace reruns). i'll just saddle up to the bar for my celebratory guinness and let the music take me wherever it will.
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