OPP (other people's post)

i was roaming around the virtual neighborhood checking out what's the latest with folks. i read mrs.tina cruz's entry, and though i am extremely relieved for her, i have to admit i experienced some mighty uncomfortable feelings, probably all related to PTSD. i recognize the unmistakable symptoms by now... first the numbing throughout the body, then a kind of outer body expereince... i feel the heart beginning to pound faster yet i feel detached, and then ultimately, the pounding becomes a deafening sound in my ears and i feel it in my chest, and my hands and feet turn icy cold as the wave of emotions come crashing in full force within my numb body.

last year i had a miscarriage, and tina's story brought it all back. the waiting, the dark room where the ultrasound took place, the anticipation. i had been bleeding, and was sent for an ultrasound. during the ultrasound, i was asked when i'd like to know the results. i went to the appointment alone, and i told her i'd rather know right at that moment, no beating around the bush, "just tell me now". with much sympathy, i was told there was no longer a heartbeat. she showed me the screen, nothing was moving. an appointment was made for me for the extraction the next day. i never felt more alone and hollow in my entire life.

it was simply terrible. early the next morning i began go through labor. it was painful and awful and horrific, birthing pains without the reward of life. all my breathing/lamaze exercises went out the window. what's the point. i was taken to the hospital, and a few hours later, i woke up and the baby was gone. the loss threw me into an unmitigated depression for many months. it was so terrible in fact, i've delegated the memory to some place far far back in my mind, never to deal with.

(well i guess now i know what this week's appointment with my shrink will be about...)

i wish the cruz's all the best.