Nubel Pinoy Kwisin
Welcome to Paahan Bistro and Karenderia, where all dishes are painstakingly prepared to bring you the best in nouvelle pinoy cuisine. Located in the heart of Kalokohan City, by chefs Mariang Mababa-ang-Kaligayahan and Jose Promotor-ng-Kung-Anu-Anong-Kababalaghan. They are joined by pastry chef Petrang Panik-Panaog and sommelier - Leo Lasinguero. Finacial adviser and accountant Manny Maling-Kwenta, and wholesale buyer Ramiro Pacquiao completes the team.
Offerings
Pinagalitang Pato Pate' - direct from the talipapa, the pato is scolded for a full 45 minutes for majoring in modernist performance art instead of choosing the practical route of nursing school during the current socio-economic clime by unfulfilled anal retentive parents who toil daily in cubicles in city hall filing papers. The duck liver is smoked with bawang, then ground into a smooth creamy consistency, served with kamyas cornichons, bittermelon and pan de sal brioche.
Kinawawang Kambing - The goat is subjected overnight to local pinoy telenovelas, old Nora Aunor movies, and endless recordings of Fred Panopio's "Ang Kawawang Koboy". The depressed meat is then boiled, rubbed with seasalt and sage, then left out to dry. Served with gruel and colorless kamatis confit by waiters singing to Glen Campbells "Like A Rhinestone Cowboy":
"Ang kawawang koboy,
May baril, walang bala
May bulsa, wala namang pera..."
Binatukang Baka - The unsuspecting cow is hit over the head repeatedly with the back of the hand to confuse and irritate it. It is then grilled over charcoal, and presented with aggravated kamoteng kahoy emulsion and roasted luya.
Ininsultong Lasing na Manok - the chefs subject the chicken to 3 full minutes of insults by bringing up its questionable ancestry, possible bastard lineage, and sub-standard egg laying skills. For enhanced flavor, we add a dash of attack to its self-esteem. Simmered for 2 minutes in fermented coconut milk reduction and gently reminded that its father lost a sabong match in less than 30 seconds, it is served with inacharang langgam and fibrous palay garnish.
Specials of the Day
Inututang Bibe - Bloated, milk drinking lactose intolerant, soybean eating chefs take turns exposing the duck to individual aromatic, flatulence for several hours. Served with fluffy, runny rice and pungent pickled durian.
Binuwisit na Sisiw - The dish, also popularly known as Pinakawalang Sisiw, is a rare delicacy. The chick is led to believe it has escaped its cage. On the run, the chick is suddenly accosted and completely taken by surprise. The trauma to the chick's psyche lends itself to a very rich flavor due to chemicals released to the muscles and tendons while in flight. Served with chilled sour grapes to contrast the chick's sense of irony.
Inalaskang Manok - Not to be confused with Pinagalitang Manok, the chicken in Inalaskang Manok is assumed to be a good sport, able to take the good natured kidding and "roasting" the chef throws its way before its neck is wrung. The chicken assumes neck-wringing is part of the joke therefore it dies happy. Chickens that die happy naturally taste better. Served with relish.
Offerings
Pinagalitang Pato Pate' - direct from the talipapa, the pato is scolded for a full 45 minutes for majoring in modernist performance art instead of choosing the practical route of nursing school during the current socio-economic clime by unfulfilled anal retentive parents who toil daily in cubicles in city hall filing papers. The duck liver is smoked with bawang, then ground into a smooth creamy consistency, served with kamyas cornichons, bittermelon and pan de sal brioche.
Kinawawang Kambing - The goat is subjected overnight to local pinoy telenovelas, old Nora Aunor movies, and endless recordings of Fred Panopio's "Ang Kawawang Koboy". The depressed meat is then boiled, rubbed with seasalt and sage, then left out to dry. Served with gruel and colorless kamatis confit by waiters singing to Glen Campbells "Like A Rhinestone Cowboy":
"Ang kawawang koboy,
May baril, walang bala
May bulsa, wala namang pera..."
Binatukang Baka - The unsuspecting cow is hit over the head repeatedly with the back of the hand to confuse and irritate it. It is then grilled over charcoal, and presented with aggravated kamoteng kahoy emulsion and roasted luya.
Ininsultong Lasing na Manok - the chefs subject the chicken to 3 full minutes of insults by bringing up its questionable ancestry, possible bastard lineage, and sub-standard egg laying skills. For enhanced flavor, we add a dash of attack to its self-esteem. Simmered for 2 minutes in fermented coconut milk reduction and gently reminded that its father lost a sabong match in less than 30 seconds, it is served with inacharang langgam and fibrous palay garnish.
Specials of the Day
Inututang Bibe - Bloated, milk drinking lactose intolerant, soybean eating chefs take turns exposing the duck to individual aromatic, flatulence for several hours. Served with fluffy, runny rice and pungent pickled durian.
Binuwisit na Sisiw - The dish, also popularly known as Pinakawalang Sisiw, is a rare delicacy. The chick is led to believe it has escaped its cage. On the run, the chick is suddenly accosted and completely taken by surprise. The trauma to the chick's psyche lends itself to a very rich flavor due to chemicals released to the muscles and tendons while in flight. Served with chilled sour grapes to contrast the chick's sense of irony.
Inalaskang Manok - Not to be confused with Pinagalitang Manok, the chicken in Inalaskang Manok is assumed to be a good sport, able to take the good natured kidding and "roasting" the chef throws its way before its neck is wrung. The chicken assumes neck-wringing is part of the joke therefore it dies happy. Chickens that die happy naturally taste better. Served with relish.
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