Directions...

I am torn between divulging the truth or keeping the silence.

Am I angry, hurt and humiliated enough to blurt it out? Or should I just keep my mouth shut? Continue keeping the secrets?

I feel the secrets are eating away at me. Festering. I want to let it go. I want to shout it out. I want to throw it out to the wind. I want to be the better person. I want to heal. I want to be free of it. I want to move on.

I don't have anything to hide, after all. Why can't I just tell? I feel it's not my place. But what is my place? When I can't even write about my own experience... then something is not right. I feel this sense of loyalty. I don't want to hurt other people. Is this compassion? Or a kind of stockholm syndrome? I guess this is why I'm in therapy. I'll tell ya what would be therapeutic. Telling, that's what's going to make me feel better. Or will it?

Someday, this will all make for some really interesting reading. Or not.

I just want to get better.

Today started very well. For the first time in weeks I felt I've actually healed some. Like a huge weight off my shoulders. I began to truly understand why I am the way I am, and I was beginning to get connected with my higher self. I started to feel whole again. I remembered who I am. But it changed in the evening when the weight of these awful secrets returned. I can't wish them away. Just have to get through them. Wrestle with the demons, the things within and without me that keep me from becoming whole.

I remind myself that there is a bigger world out there, and there are people in worse situations. Someday this will all pass, and it won't matter anymore. It's just that right now, this pain is in me, and it matters a lot. I remind myself to place one foot in front of the other, and breathe. I tell myself to take it gently with me. It's ok to be angry, and feel hurt, and feel sad. Healing takes time. And I am getting better everyday.