first day of summer blossoming
yesterday was the first day of summer. the sun was out, the sky was blue, there was a nice breeze in the city throughout the day. the monster has let up, but i found myself still irritable. as depression goes, there are usually many causes for the irritability, and part of my frustration is at the inability to point to the cause, or when i do figure it out i don't know what to do about it. so i end up on a merry go round of confusion, frustration, anxiety, up and down, around and around.
however, the monster has no control over life, that i've decided yesterday, the first day of summer. during dinner last night, as i struggled to maintain sanity on the merry go round, isa told me that her chest feels tender. the merry go round suddenly stopped, and even the monster's ugly head was nowhere to be seen. it was as if her news silenced the maniacal sounds rumbling in my head. i had informed her before that this day will come, and when it does, to let me know. i smiled. "you're blossoming", i told her. she had a look of panic. R had a look of utter confusion... "what do you mean blossoming?"
i always worried that i wouldn't know what to do once my daughters enter puberty. my mother never taught me anything but fear of the unknown and self-loathing. but somehow, on the first day of summer, despite the dizzy merry go round in my head, i felt i could guide my daughters through the change. i have to, no one else will. i will help them understand that the changes are good, and that their bodies are their own to love and live in for the rest of their lives. isa's on the path to womanhood, and i'm here to guide her. she looked at me with utter disgust when i told her of other changes on the way. "yuck!" she said, "hair will grow where!?!"
the other day i was in our little garden by the studio. it was overgrown with weeds and wild rose vines that had only thorns. i spent most of the afternoon clearing it, so that the geraniums and cala lilies could thrive. it's so sappy (if you will), the analogy - the garden, the weeds, the monster on a merry go round, the first day of summer, isa's blossoming. but i'm off the merry go round, and i always feel comfort when i'm working on our little garden, as ungarden-like as it is (and i don't have a green thumb at all). there's a sense of purpose again, a reminder of what i'm here for. the monster will always be there, lurking. but i got work to do, and will take it day at a time.
tonight, isa and i will discuss shaving...to do or not to do?
**********************************************
thank you to all my friends for their concern. it is good to know i am not alone. professor, i have heard of that book you suggested, and am currently reading "undoing depression", which referes to that book you spoke of.
however, the monster has no control over life, that i've decided yesterday, the first day of summer. during dinner last night, as i struggled to maintain sanity on the merry go round, isa told me that her chest feels tender. the merry go round suddenly stopped, and even the monster's ugly head was nowhere to be seen. it was as if her news silenced the maniacal sounds rumbling in my head. i had informed her before that this day will come, and when it does, to let me know. i smiled. "you're blossoming", i told her. she had a look of panic. R had a look of utter confusion... "what do you mean blossoming?"
i always worried that i wouldn't know what to do once my daughters enter puberty. my mother never taught me anything but fear of the unknown and self-loathing. but somehow, on the first day of summer, despite the dizzy merry go round in my head, i felt i could guide my daughters through the change. i have to, no one else will. i will help them understand that the changes are good, and that their bodies are their own to love and live in for the rest of their lives. isa's on the path to womanhood, and i'm here to guide her. she looked at me with utter disgust when i told her of other changes on the way. "yuck!" she said, "hair will grow where!?!"
the other day i was in our little garden by the studio. it was overgrown with weeds and wild rose vines that had only thorns. i spent most of the afternoon clearing it, so that the geraniums and cala lilies could thrive. it's so sappy (if you will), the analogy - the garden, the weeds, the monster on a merry go round, the first day of summer, isa's blossoming. but i'm off the merry go round, and i always feel comfort when i'm working on our little garden, as ungarden-like as it is (and i don't have a green thumb at all). there's a sense of purpose again, a reminder of what i'm here for. the monster will always be there, lurking. but i got work to do, and will take it day at a time.
tonight, isa and i will discuss shaving...to do or not to do?
**********************************************
thank you to all my friends for their concern. it is good to know i am not alone. professor, i have heard of that book you suggested, and am currently reading "undoing depression", which referes to that book you spoke of.
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