monster

the monster is here. i am unable to concentrate on anything, my house looks like a hurricane blew through, and at work my desk is a mess of papers. i feel irritable, restless, and overwhelmed. my back has been hurting for days. sometimes my heart beats so fast i can't breathe. i feel like something has a grip on my head, on the top of my head, it feels like something heavy is on it, i have trouble looking up. at times i feel profound sadness, at times fear and anxiety, at times i feel hopeless, all these feelings one after another, an endless cycle. i look above from a hole, the small view of the sky diminishes. i feel cold inside, like there's an icy grip on my heart. at times i want to cry. at times i just want to lie down.

i don't know what to do. i was so happy last week. suddenly, out of nowhere, here it is. everything is going well, i was happy, but here it is now. i know this feeling so intimately. i've known it for so long. sometimes i just listen to the hollow silence inside me - i can even describe it... icy cold, gray, bleak, distant echoing sounds.

i am back in the hole with the monster, it's arms tight around me. i can't get anything done. i wait for it to pass. in the mirror i see empty sad eyes looking back at me.

what frightens me, is that, when i am in the monster's embrace, i can actually understand why spaulding gray and iris chang took their lives. it makes sense. in the darker corners of my mind i think of the various ways it's been done. when the monster is at its strongest, i can even visualize.

i told my therapist today, i don't want to die, and i don't want to continue living this way. i hope that tomorrow, the sun will shine inside the hole. all i can do right now is to let it pass.