studios, summer fog and glide
so, i'm attending the glide fundraiser shindig tonight. i also have a half dozen things i need to do before i leave... there's the laundry... literally a small hill in the middle of my living room (maybe mightymom can do some of mine.. hehe), i need to clear out my studio for the renter coming tomorrow (for those who don't know, late last year R and I separated, i actually moved out into the side studio... that way i'm solo but still near the kids.) i also still need to figure out what to wear. so, i decide i'm going to write about what i'm not doing instead. (don't ya love this blogging thing?!)
i'm thinking of bev thinking of having children. all i can say is, come see my living room right now. there's the laundry, piles of paperwork, children eating store bought ribs watching cartoons. no, my abode is not the zen, pottery barn perfect creative space i'd like it to be. there's stuff everywhere! everytime i clean up, 2 seconds later it looks like a hurricane came through. but there is love and there is laughter. it's a trade off. i stopped looking at home magazines and catalogues a long time ago. i just accept i can't have nice things until the kids are in college, and i won't come home to a spic and span clean organized home. i used to tease R... if you want more kids, you better get me a housekeeper AND a cook!
i'm thinking of the studio i need to clear out. i've procrastinated so long coz really, i don't want to give it up. it was my fortress during the dark times, "a room of my own", i created a space that was for me, by me, the way i want it, no children's or husband's things, just my stuff the way i want it, warm and inviting and serene. it was my solace where i was able to meditate, relax, be sad in, reflect in, where i listened to billy holiday and the rain and write in my journal on christmas eve. i moved all my things there... all my clothes, my books, my audio visual stuff, everything. there's a small garden just outside the large windows, and i found i enjoyed tending it. i was sad and lonely and afraid i was going to be flying solo after 12 years of marriage. i was depressed, didn't know what to do, but i was getting ready for the next chapter in my life... single mom-hood. but that didn't happen. we reconciled, our relationship is the strongest it's been, better than before we got married. we've always rented out that space, and finances being the way they are we need to rent it out again. we found someone finally and he moves in tomorrow. but i find i'm having difficulty giving up the space. R says it's normal for me to feel this way, after all, a great deal of soul searching happened in there for me. i confronted my demons in that studio, screamed and cried, danced and laughed, sobbed and simply stared at the walls until finally i found myself. i need to create a new space i can call my own. i'm sure i'll figure something out. but i am still sad to give up my sacred space. for all the new moms and moms to be... keep a room of your own. it is a priceless solace to have. as women, we play many roles - wife, mother, lover, friend, worker, artist, daughter, chauffer, housekeeper, cook, nurse, teacher, caregiver - oftentimes all these roles at once, everyone tugging at us in all directions. life is chaotic and rich, which is why we all need a space where we can just ... be.
what to wear tonight... i WAS going to wear this fun, tiered flimsy orange dress with strappy high heels and my hair down and wild, my eye make up dark and dramatic. until the lovely san francisco summer fog rolled in. d'oh!!! maybe i'll wear black pants... again. ugh! but my friend Gerri says, "whatever!! wear a dress anyway and bring a sweater!" maybe i'll do just that. after all, i'll be "single" tonight. raf's working this event, and one of the perks of being married to an event planner to the major parties in the city is... FREE VIP passes!! woohoo! maybe i'll run into Gavin! (why hello mr. mayor, what a surprise to see you here!) anyway, it should be a fun night. a lot of my favorite restaurants have a booth tonight, and i'll be sans the monkeys! oh ya!!!
i'm thinking of bev thinking of having children. all i can say is, come see my living room right now. there's the laundry, piles of paperwork, children eating store bought ribs watching cartoons. no, my abode is not the zen, pottery barn perfect creative space i'd like it to be. there's stuff everywhere! everytime i clean up, 2 seconds later it looks like a hurricane came through. but there is love and there is laughter. it's a trade off. i stopped looking at home magazines and catalogues a long time ago. i just accept i can't have nice things until the kids are in college, and i won't come home to a spic and span clean organized home. i used to tease R... if you want more kids, you better get me a housekeeper AND a cook!
i'm thinking of the studio i need to clear out. i've procrastinated so long coz really, i don't want to give it up. it was my fortress during the dark times, "a room of my own", i created a space that was for me, by me, the way i want it, no children's or husband's things, just my stuff the way i want it, warm and inviting and serene. it was my solace where i was able to meditate, relax, be sad in, reflect in, where i listened to billy holiday and the rain and write in my journal on christmas eve. i moved all my things there... all my clothes, my books, my audio visual stuff, everything. there's a small garden just outside the large windows, and i found i enjoyed tending it. i was sad and lonely and afraid i was going to be flying solo after 12 years of marriage. i was depressed, didn't know what to do, but i was getting ready for the next chapter in my life... single mom-hood. but that didn't happen. we reconciled, our relationship is the strongest it's been, better than before we got married. we've always rented out that space, and finances being the way they are we need to rent it out again. we found someone finally and he moves in tomorrow. but i find i'm having difficulty giving up the space. R says it's normal for me to feel this way, after all, a great deal of soul searching happened in there for me. i confronted my demons in that studio, screamed and cried, danced and laughed, sobbed and simply stared at the walls until finally i found myself. i need to create a new space i can call my own. i'm sure i'll figure something out. but i am still sad to give up my sacred space. for all the new moms and moms to be... keep a room of your own. it is a priceless solace to have. as women, we play many roles - wife, mother, lover, friend, worker, artist, daughter, chauffer, housekeeper, cook, nurse, teacher, caregiver - oftentimes all these roles at once, everyone tugging at us in all directions. life is chaotic and rich, which is why we all need a space where we can just ... be.
what to wear tonight... i WAS going to wear this fun, tiered flimsy orange dress with strappy high heels and my hair down and wild, my eye make up dark and dramatic. until the lovely san francisco summer fog rolled in. d'oh!!! maybe i'll wear black pants... again. ugh! but my friend Gerri says, "whatever!! wear a dress anyway and bring a sweater!" maybe i'll do just that. after all, i'll be "single" tonight. raf's working this event, and one of the perks of being married to an event planner to the major parties in the city is... FREE VIP passes!! woohoo! maybe i'll run into Gavin! (why hello mr. mayor, what a surprise to see you here!) anyway, it should be a fun night. a lot of my favorite restaurants have a booth tonight, and i'll be sans the monkeys! oh ya!!!
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